Britney Spears is opening up in a big way.
The 40-year-old pop star took to Instagram on Monday to detail her relationship with God. After posting a series of phrases encouraging her social media followers to pray, Spears then dove into why prayer is a “constant” in her life.
“I have issues … I’m not perfect so I have to remind myself daily to look up and know I’m not alone,” she wrote. “I had an experience years ago where I stopped believing in God!!!! From every angle I was being hurt for no reason and my family was hurting me…” she continued. “I went into a state of shock and the way I coped was being [in] fake denial.”
“It was too much to really face,” Spears admitted before explaining that it then came full circle” and her heart “took over and I was [a] lion.”
The mom of two noted that she wasn’t “a very nice” lion; however, she explained that she had “screamed alone a lot” and “kept all that pain” to herself.
“They say go to the source for healing …. the person who hurt you … go to them and tell them … I’ve never gotten to do that,” she shared. “I chose the fake denial ‘everything’s totally fine approach’ because I didn’t want to cause conflict.”
“I was NICE, FAKE and I was absolutely screaming inside,” added Spears. “I wanted to be nice but what they did to my heart was unforgivable!!!!!”
Spears explained that for 13 years she had asked to be able to perform new songs in addition to remixes of her past tunes, and she was always told no.
“It was a set up to make me fail yet I knew exactly what I wanted my [fans] to see and it didn’t make sense how network television shows are showcasing my music with remixes of all of my music ….. yet the person who owns the music is told no!!!!” Spears lamented before specifically mentioning her younger sister Jamie Lynn.
“They even gave remixes to my sister but why was I always told no?” she pondered. “So much wasted time to only embarrass me and humiliate me and I guess it seems odd to most now why I don’t even do music anymore…. that’s just the surface issues.”
Spears explained that “people have no idea the awful things” that were done to her and what she’s “been through,” noting that she’s now “scared of people and the business.”
“Not doing my music anymore is my way of saying ‘F–k You’’ in a sense when it only actually benefits my family by ignoring my real work,” she stated. “It’s like I’ve subconsciously let them win… but then I realized how shallow I sounded when I did believe in God and for parents and people who were [losing] people they loved and dying of cancer.”
Spears went on to say that the reason she brought this up is because she understands the “pain of not believing anymore and feeling so alone and even the arrogance of the world can test your faith.”
“Trust me, I know and it’s not fun… Last year was growth for me… I still have a ways to go!!! My goal for this year is to push myself a bit more and do things that scare me but not too much I mean geez!!! We are just people and I’m not superwoman but I do know what makes me happy and brings me joy and I try to meditate on those places and thoughts that enable me to experience it,” she shared.
Spears then sarcastically joked: “I obviously have serious insecurities …. otherwise I wouldn’t have acted like an obnoxious 8 year old last week defending myself with my accomplishments,” she stated with an eye roll and laughing cat emoji. Spears was referencing a social media post that featured a few clips boasting some of her most impressive achievements.
“Honestly my family embarrassed me and hurt me deeply …. so tooting my own horn and seeing my past accomplishments reflecting back at me actually helped,” Spears said. “To the outside world it must seem like I’m extremely insecure and if people really knew what I went through, I think they would understand COMPLETELY where I’m coming from.”
“It’s a shame though that people don’t like the truth,” she continued. “I’d get more respect doing a spread for Playboy than I would writing a book.”
Spears concluded: “As much as I’ve been offended …. which one would you do??? Either way it’s all another reason to go back to the beginning and say what I said PRAY…PRAY…PRAY. SO …. again, I’m sorry if I sound ignorant… I’m extremely insecure and I probably care too much so that’s all i got… PRAYER!!!!”
The star initially ended her original post with “a bottle of champagne too” but re-shared the post sans the beverage mention.
In November, a judge ruled to end Spears’ conservatorship, which had been in place for nearly 14 years.