- Nathan Gray made Instagram post before telling their wife
- Delaware punk band’s new look was 50 years in the making
When Nathan Gray, 50, stepped on stage in Jersey City, New Jersey, a month ago, fans of the popular Newark-born rock act Boysetsfire saw something they had never seen before. Gray’s bandmates did, too.
Instead of Gray’s usual dark-colored T-shirt, there was a pink tank top. The black jeans were replaced by jeggings. And makeup and lipstick complemented Gray’s neck tattoo, which bulges when the post-hardcore punk music starts flowing.
For an act that has maintained fans worldwide for nearly 30 years, it was a new wrinkle in the band’s long history.
Just a few days prior, Gray did something that took five decades: created an Instagram post announcing that Gray identifies as both pansexual and gender-nonconforming/nonbinary/gender queer. (Gray now uses the pronouns they/them.)
After years of depression, drug and alcohol abuse while fretting over their sexual identity, Gray finally felt able to let it all go.
They would no longer police their mannerisms like how they hold their hands. They would dress the way they want. And they were dedicated to living the second half of their life unlike the first: comfortable in their own skin.
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With that weight off their shoulders, Gray now feels as if they’re walking on air.
“All of a sudden you feel like, ‘Oh my, God, I may float,'” Gray said of the feelings felt after pressing the “share” button on Aug. 21, just four days before the Boysetsfire show in New Jersey.
While the world of punk music has always been a haven for outcasts and others who feel excluded, the open-mindedness had its limits. There were several times over the years when Gray nearly came out, before running back in.
While Boysetsfire prepares to set out for Europe on what Gray says will likely be their final tour this week, Gray’s musical future lies with their newer punk band, The Iron Roses. (Boysetsfire anniversary shows and other events could still come in the future.)
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Dubbed “joyful punk for inclusive revolutionaries,” Gray and their hodgepodge of bandmates are all on the same page when it comes to promoting a space where fans of all backgrounds can come and feel safe and free to be themselves.
A new Nathan
Iron Roses background vocalist Becky Fontaine, who is queer with a trans teenage daughter, has watched Gray’s metamorphosis up close — not only as a band member, but also as a neighbor a few houses down the road in Elkton, Maryland, where Gray now lives with wife Katie and children Aleks, 9, and Sophia, 5.
Over the years, Gray had tried to mask who they were in many ways.
There were years when they grew a long gray beard, joking it was a “wizard look” intended to emit masculinity. There was a stage when they publicly declared that they were a member of the Church of Satan, lashing out against their religious upbringing as the child of a Presbyterian preacher in an attempt to be “tough and dark.” And then there was even a time when they would put on a Southern accent, all in an attempt to keep their true identity pinned down.
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Now, Fontaine sees a different person. “Even in his eyes, there’s less of a cloud, less of a panic attack happening because there is not a hiding of Nathan as a person anymore,” she said.
During Boysetsfire’s height in the late ’90s and early ’00s, Gray had thousands of adoring fans, including plenty of attention from young women obsessed with a frontman and the image that came along with that. While they came out at times to some, they found themself quickly returning to hiding who they were again and again.
“Nathan has the privilege and burden of being something that many have attached such an ideal to and they want them to be what they have always seen them as,” she said. “So for Nathan to go up on stage with Boysetsfire as who they have always been, without that cloak, in front of those fans. … It was monumental.
“It’s a really, really big deal. People may not recognize how much guts that took, only because those fans may have a box they want them to stay within.”
When Gray came out on stage with Boysetsfire, they didn’t look down and see fans slack-jawed and bewildered. It was just like always, fans just digging the music. And since they were the opening act, some of the people there didn’t even know the band.
“And they were just stoked to see somebody up there so vibrant,” Gray said. “When they saw someone like that on stage, they were like, ‘Oh, hell yeah. I’m checking this out, especially someone in this clothing and screaming their head off.”
Taking the plunge
Gray said nothing about this all was planned. They made their Instagram post that day because it was time to let it out, even before telling their wife they were going to do it. When it came time to perform with Boysetsfire four days later, Gray didn’t consult with bandmates. Instead, Gray just showed up with a whole new look and then laid down their trademark aggressive set of politically charged punk just as they always do.
“It’s just a realization of that who I have been is not who I am — this has been something I put on. You know, being how I was: That was the gimmick,” Gray said, detailing how freeing it felt to finally find the cause of much of the angst that had come to define them. “And I really felt very little responsibility to come out individually to anyone. I wanted to put it out online and everyone can receive it as they want to receive it.”
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In Scotland, Boysetsfire fan Ewan MacNeilage received it with cheers. He discovered the band when he was 13 in 2003 and credits Gray for giving him inspiration, happiness and empowerment across the Atlantic Ocean through music over the years.
“[Gray] deserves to feel the same,” MacNeilage said. “I hope that this changes nothing for Nathan apart from what is wanted. Nobody should ever have to hide their true self.”
After Boysetsfire completes their 12-date trek across England, Belgium, Germany and Austria playing the songs of Gray’s past, Gray turns all attention to the future with The Iron Roses, which released their debut album “Rebel Songs” in July.
Originally known as Nathan Gray and The Iron Roses, Gray decided after coming out that they wanted to streamline the band name and band identity.
‘Truly an incredible thing’
Two weeks ago, photographer Allissa Williams of Thorn & Petal Films traveled from her New England home to take a set of promotional shots for the band, which had reached out to her after seeing her shoot several of their shows in the past.
Williams, a 22-year fan of Boysetsfire, posted an image from that session on Instagram last week and wrote that there were tears rolling down her face behind the camera at times. The joy coming from Gray was almost overwhelming, even for someone they got to know only recently.
“It’s truly an incredible thing to capture someone who’s finally expressing their deepest and truest selves,” she wrote in the caption. “The feeling is different, it’s palpable — like the best hug, a warm blanket, a cool breeze or the sun on your face.”
What caused her to write that? “I could just feel the energy. It was different and beautiful. They were all just so comfortable in their skin,” she said.
The Iron Roses coming to Philadelphia
The Iron Roses will embark on a 12-date U.S. tour of its own on Oct. 24, spreading a message of love and open-mindedness through the same howling punk rock that Gray has been delivering for years. Except this time, fans will see the true Gray. And the smile on their face will tell you all you need to know.
The tour includes a stop Nov. 2 at Dobbs On South (304 South St., Philadelphia) and will be followed by a European tour in November and December with sets filled with their new music.
On “That Said,” the closing track of the six-piece’s new album, Gray exhumes their past with an eye on the future. Written during the pandemic, it might have held a hint of what was to come for Gray. While the verses of the song detail the sorrow, pain and fear that they’ve lived with for years, the chorus offered a peek at what was to come:
“That said, I’m feeling better now/That said, I’m back up off the ground/That said, my gloves are up and I’m ready for the next round.”
Have a story idea? Contact Ryan Cormier of The News Journal at rcormier@delawareonline.com or (302) 324-2863. Follow him on Facebook (@ryancormier) and Twitter (@ryancormier).
IF YOU GO
What: The Iron Roses with Two Good Eyes
When: Wednesday, Nov. 2, 6:30 p.m.
Where: Dobbs on South, 304 South St., Philadelphia
Cost: $15
Tickets: eventbrite.com
